


Moriturism

by Itohan



Series: To walk amongst the stars (Star Wars AU’s) [14]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Anakin’s room, Angst, Character Study, Fear of Death, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Jedi Temple (Star Wars), Mental Health Issues, Mortality, Padawan Anakin Skywalker, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29359329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itohan/pseuds/Itohan
Summary: Late at night Anakin thinks of dying.
Series: To walk amongst the stars (Star Wars AU’s) [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759843
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11





	Moriturism

Night has fallen over Coruscant. The Jedi of the Order are sleeping, all but one. Anakin lies in his bed, wide awake, and thinks of death. 

It looms over his head, constantly whispering into his ear with it's haunting voice.  
Anakin knows he will die just as he knows that right now, in the very present, he is alive.

And Anakin can't escape it, he cannot flee from death, because it will always be there right over his shoulder. Watching him with it's eyes. Until he arrives in the now, the moment, the present, where he is dying. It hasn't happened yet.

Yet. Yet - word he will never want to experience. If there is a yet, it means it will happen, that he will die.

The sheets of his bed are scratchy, chafe across his sore hands. Sore from saber practice. Sore from the expectations he will never meet. Anakin hurts. Thoughts loud and silent beat in his heart, scream in his head. Screaming at him. Screaming at the world.

Why will he die?

Everything is temporary. It's the only truth he knows, the only truth on Tatooine. Your slavery, one day it will be over - So preserve, prevail. Your sadness over your mother - It will fleet, so serve, be a Jedi. Be our tool. But just the thought.

The thought that one day he will be gone, that he will be dead... Anakin hates it.  
He doesn't want it in his head. Anakin wants silence, Anakin wants to sleep. But he can't and so he thinks of death, thinks of dying.

A life. His life, breathing, feeling, thinking- and then he'll be dead. Dead forever, dead for longer he's been alive for. As is he had never mattered.

There will be someone else, special just like him, and then what will be left? Who will cry for him? And if he doesn't become someone great, doesn't fulfill his destiny- He will be nothing, forgotten like all the other dead Jedi before him. Who would he be?

Anakin doesn't want to die. Life in all of it's experiences - Joy, greed, anger, hatred, pain, love. All of it... Why is he alive if he isn't mean to experience it all?

Maybe it would be for the best if he just ended it here. Right here and now. Take the saber and run it through his chest. How long would it take them to find him? Would anyone even miss him.   
Would they live there lives as usual while his body rots and decays? The though does make Anakin want to die, wants them to suffer and regret… and the other half of them does not. Does not want to die. Does not want to live. 

He wants to know what he wants. Everything keeps shifting, changing, and he is left behind. His feelings are all he has and even in them he cannot find solitude.

He cannot sleep.  
He cannot dream.  
He cannot die and he cannot live.

The guards are patrolling through the hallway where his room resides. Heavy thuds, silent echoes. Boots on concrete. And just as fast as he noticed it, the steps have disappeared. 

Anakin closes his eyes and tries to slow his breathing. Tries to sleep. The Jedi are his home. But what is he to them? The chosen one, the child of prophecy, their savior, but one thing he'll never be. He'll never be Anakin. 

So if Anakin dies, what will remain?   
Stories of a hero? Story of a failure?  
(Stories of a monster?)

Everything is tight. Anakin's clothes, his chest, the Temple. The weight on his shoulders. He hates it all so much. Too much. Why won't he be let to feel? Why is he confined to a life that isn't a life?

He is dying, he has to be, because everything and everyone seems to die. He must be too.  
The bugs crushed beneath his feed, people staring in the streets, the rich, the poor. All of them will die. The Jedi too. Qui-Gon did and left him behind. Left him to deal with a world he can't understand, a world that doesn't want to understand him. He is alone. All his life he's ever been alone. Every thought, every breath. They have to be his. Only his. 

Death, will it be his as well?

Eyes slowly wander back to his saber and Anakin swallows.  
How will he die?  
Will it hurt?  
Will he be missed?  
Will he-

From the smallest child to the elderly - they are free to be alive, to be who they want to be. To feel. He isn't. 

Because he was born to die for them. To _kill_ for them. It's his destiny so they tell him. Is his every move, his thoughts, his feelings, predestined? Is anything ever his or his he nothing but a puppet?

Why is he here? Why can't he be with his mother?  
Her laughter, her soft hands, her food... It's all gone to exist solely in his memories. If he dies she won't exist anymore. At least not to him. If he dies she will not be his mother anymore, the mother he knew will be gone with him the very second he passes.

Is his only reason to exist a destiny he'll never be able to meet? Did he ever have a choice? Was he born just to die? As a sacrificial lamb to live a life no his only for other people?

The posters in this room, bright, big, meaningless, they'll be gone too. Someone would throw them out and leave this room without a trace of him. No more figurines, no more gagets, no more Anakin. His room won't be his anymore, it will be someone else's.

Anakin's feet twitch.

Late at night while the Jedi sleep around him, Anakin decides he won't die.  
He won't.  
He can't.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope I painted a believable picture of what might be going on inside of his head.  
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
